Adrianaology

Enjoy.

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 22:08:28 -0400

Enjoy.

Life's to short to even care at all

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 15:40:14 -0500

I always think to myself how I should write here more often and then I remember how many other ways I get my feelings out now.

Thank you to my family, girlfriend, friends, councilor, staff and residents

To you guys I say thanks for dealing with me when I can’t deal with myself. No matter what mood I’m in.

Two thousand and twelve

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 23:26:30 -0500

Panic attacks come and go yet 2012 has to be the year I am most thankful for. This year I pushed my limits and it paid off. I challenged myself in school, in life and with love and once again I proved to myself that I can do it. I got the job I wanted and stayed sane for most of it. I came out to my grandmother and now she’s finally opening up. So much more happened but I can’t really remember right now but I do know that 2012 was grand to me and hopefully 2013 is as great.

I'm the hottest ticket now

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 11:16:52 -0500

Two weeks:

I got to see lots of adorable dogs.

I ate a lot of sugar cookies.

I saw a friend get a tattoo.

I got to write for days.

I saw residents leave Oswego and ones that came to stay.

Finals week was grand all around, not counting that coma inducing human sexuality final.

I got a fantastic evaluation from my resident director and I get to go to Exanne’s house.

And that’s not even half of what I did, nor is the week over. Excitement= through the roof

MARY's GONE FOR A WEEK AN SOMEON DAYS!

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 18:58:21 -0500

Mary’s said she’s not going on tumblr until her finals are over which is another week from now so we’ll see how that goes.

SO BYE TUMBLR!

Love mary love who loves mary,

-exanne

no.

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 01:31:24 -0500

no.

Cannibal

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 12:21:55 -0500

Context: My brother (Bryan) and cousin (Johnathan) wanted to know the definition of cannibal.
Johnathan: Lets ask Mary! What's it called when one human eats another?
Me: A cannibal.
Johnathan: (To Bryan) I told you!
Bryan: But how?
John (my father): Sometimes I think Mary is a cannibal.
Mom: She is.

Mom made a funny

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 21:58:48 -0500

Mom: Mary came out so fast out of me she wanted to be in this world- she’s my miracle baby, but it took her longer to come out later on.

Mom: Ooooh, I made a joke.

What's equality?

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 21:54:33 -0500

Context: I was giving my mother a national coming out day shirt that says I support equality and my younger brother then starts to talk to me. He is 10.
Bryan: What's equality?
Me: In this circumstance it deals with gay people.
Bryan: Oh, I support that; I love gay people.
Me: Oh, really?
Bryan: Yeah, I love the gay people in my school. Their are very nice.
Me: Do you know about me?
Bryan: Yes, I've know for so long! I'm not stupid! Mom! Bring me my report card.

Teeth

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 22:54:03 -0400

Exanne: Can we go brush our teeth together?

Have a grand day.

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 10:28:01 -0400

Have a grand day.

Has it really been two years...

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 21:21:00 -0400

Since, the day you went from my grandfather to a cadaver?

I held your hand while you talked to your friends?

I called my uncle to tell him about how long you had to live then again to tell him about your death?

you made the crowd laugh with your humor and made us awe at your want for Chavo?

my mother laid with you, crying, for the warmth to not leave your body?

I took this necklace I have on my neck off from yours?

we left yankee game on in your room?

Has it really been two years?

And though this is the day of your death- I’m not sad. I celebrate your life day by day and that’s what keeps me from crying. Your continue influence in my life is what keeps me going.

You’re still with me.

Not one

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:11:05 -0400

Lately every little thing has been setting off my anxiety. I don’t know how to really feel anymore. I’ve been trying and trying to keep it under control but yet this tantalizing beast grabs hold of my body and reminds me of every wrong thing that can happen. Such seedling thoughts that at once are sprouting with every breath that I can’t take. Anything can set it off lately. I don’t know how to feel. And yes I said this again but how how to feel is not in my knowledge. I feel like it’s ruining everything I love dearly. I’m not thinking and I just want to get better. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore with this. I feel like it’s quickly sucking my emotions away and displaying something different. I’m still in here but it takes much longer for me to express it. I just have so many emotions and all of them are too much for me. Love is the only one I understand right now and it’s something I never have. It’s the only thing keeping me kind of sane. I can’t keep any of these emotions in and it’s because feelings to me are just one thing out of many that triggers me. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Glee hits close to home

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 03:33:28 -0400

I’ve been wanting to come out to my abuela (grandmother in spanish) for about 2 years. It’s been quite a journey for me and one that hasn’t been influenced by much positive energy lately. Many instances have come up where I was so close to telling my abuela and they were all knocked down.

1. When I was telling her about the activities that were going on in the pride alliance in my college. Her response: “Enough with all this gay shit. What else goes on in your school?”

On a note: My abuela never curses. Only when she’s extremely angry or when she is agitated.

2. When I was telling her about the pride alliance and me being the secretary. Her response: “That’s great. Are there a lot of them {members of the LGBT community} in your school? [Me: Not a lot but a good amount.] Ew.”

3. Her constantly asking if I have a boyfriend. That day I just wanted to say “I like women abuela”

With all that has been going on in my life lately, manly school, I haven’t been concentrating about it as much but now that glee had an episode about this pressing issue I can’t seem to get it out my mind. It was at a point where I was shaking and near tears because I’m beyond scared of having that reaction from my own abuela.

For those who don’t watch glee or missed the episode what happened is Santana, the outed lesbian, started coming out to her family members. Her parent were okay with it. This was not the case for me not then and not really now. Even at thanksgiving this was observed from many of my family members. When I first came out it was determined by my parents and me that I was going to come out to my grandmother eventually and not my grandfather. A decision I regret till this day. Now with Santana, she thus proceeds to come out to her grandmother by expressing that, she has a secret: “She loves girls the way she is suppose to feel about boys.” She then explains that she has been repressing this feeling through anger and she doesn’t want to anymore. Her abuela tells her that secrets are secrets for a reason. She is obviously not supportive of Santana calling homosexuality a choice. She then says that Santana needs to leave her house and she doesn’t want to see her again. Santana then said: “I’m the same person that I was one minute ago.”

If that was to happen to me, I would not be able to deal with it. I can’t even type how I would feel because it’s not something I want to think about. My grandmother raised me from birth till I was about 5 and till this day she influences much that I do. If that was to change/ stop I wouldn’t be the same.

I’m more scared than ever to tell her. The only thing that gives me hope is that it could be different. My abuela can respond a different way.

That’s all I ask for.

Bingo

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:38:15 -0400

Ladies and gentlemen, We will be playing normal bingo. The prize is a relationship. First ball up:

B4: Before you, there was another. One of great satisfaction. I did like her but you were in my mind all the time. You since day one, I knew we would be good friends and knew I was attracted too but I made sure to keep it hush till something would happen. Before you, I was with another. Seeing if I could get over you with her. I made a mistake to that individual. Something that I should have not done. Breaking the heart of another is not one I was ready for seeing how I had mine broken before but I make mistakes. We all do. That’s not an excuse but I know I should have handled that differently. I should have thought with my head instead of other parts of my body. Yet, what I did is one of such folly. To that individual I say this: I’m truly sorry.

I19: Before my birthday hit you asked me that simple question. I was so conflicted. I had no clue what to do. My heart said you. My mind did not want to hurt her but my mind knew what it had to do. I just didn’t know how to hurt another to gain you. I was scared. I didn’t know how to tell another that it was you I wanted. It took taking to many to make sure the my mind was clear. My mind knew what it wanted and by the time I was 19 I had you.

NFree: Much happen to me this semester. From the beginning to now as I type. Much that can make me type for a while. All that I got over. All that happened in the past month. One that just got hashed a week ago. It’s just things that happened to me ranging from the summer till now. That’s why I expected nothing and really wasn’t looking for anything. I wasn’t sure I was ready.

G57: To all the friends I made back and to the one I lost. I’m so glad for that all. At the time I had clue how to feel. Jacknna, Faith, Sara and eventually Hannah; You women are what shaped me. Please don’t think you guys mean nothing in my life. You ladies are all friends that I’m keeping for a long time. Two of you know so much about me that I’m positive that I won’t let you ladies go and you ladies know who you are; if not it’s you Jacknna and Hannah. Faith is someone who made me realize that falling is hard. Falling to fast—gets you nowhere and having no bases like a friendship to fall back on really makes it hard to rebuild things but it happens eventually. Jacknna taught me how friendship really is key and even a huge fallout can be talked about and discussed. No matter how hard. No matter how it hurt both of the parties involved. Hannah, oh hannah, I know you’ll be reading this eventually, maybe Jacknna too but that’s beyond the point. Hannah, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t regret the little time we shared together because I got to learn so much that will always be with me and that’s why you, are going to one of my closes friends. It’s going to take time but I’m more than willing to make it work. Sara, I almost forgot about you, well you let me be myself with you and that’s all I can ask for.

O69: Taking things one at a time— It’s one great value. It’s one with patience. But one thing is sure. I know how I feel. It will take me a while to say it but I know I feel it already.

B-I-N-G-O and bingo is her name-o.

Winter break, I had some grand times but school had come and I’m...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:37:44 -0400

Winter break, I had some grand times but school had come and I’m quite excited. Let’s continue this excitement.

Begin

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:36:28 -0400

Begin

Another Gay Talk

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:36:06 -0400

Thanksgiving Day. 8ish pm. Living room.
Me: John, Look at this watch.
John: That's a nice watch.
Me: I don't like that watches are sexed. Anyone can wear a watch.
John: Not that one. That's a man watch.
Me: I can wear it.
John: Don't make me get into that.
Me: I'm not a guy!
John: Don't make me get into that.
Me: Just because of my sexual orientation?
John: Yes

Keeping sane with the path that follows ahead.

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:35:03 -0400

Keeping sane with the path that follows ahead.

It’s been a while.

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:33:00 -0400

It’s been a while.